What parents really control, and what we don’t
The other day, my almost-six-year-old and I had a mommy-daughter date. Somewhere between giggles and the car ride, she hit me with a big question:
“Mom, who controls me—me or Dad?”
It all started because my husband had made breakfast while I was out working, and in conversation he’d said something about “controlling” her. In our home, I often remind the kids, “You’re only in control of yourself.” So naturally, she was confused.
That car ride turned into a beautiful moment to clarify an important truth:
As parents, we don’t control our children’s emotions, reactions, or words. They are responsible for themselves in those areas.
What my husband told my daughter is we do control a few key areas:
Permission – Whether they go to the sleepover, attend hockey practice, or invite a friend over.
Consequences – The follow-through when rules are broken.
Household Culture – The rules, routines, and values our family lives by.
This isn’t about being a dictator—it’s about fulfilling the responsibility God has entrusted to us. Paying the bills, stocking the fridge, keeping the lights on, and protecting our home are part of the covering we provide. And, that covering includes teaching boundaries and cause-and-effect through the permissions and consequences we manage.
It’s not always fun to enforce consequences. I’d much rather skip the hard talks and avoid the “bad guy” role. But those consistent boundaries help our kids understand that their choices matter—not just in our home, but in the world beyond it.
Parenting is a calling, not a control battle. We’ve been entrusted with little lives to raise in Kingdom culture, pointing them toward Jesus in the small and big moments. That’s an honor I don’t take lightly.
