When your kids dig in their heels: Power struggles and peaceful solutions
If you’ve ever asked your child to do something simple—like put the milk back in the fridge—and they flat-out refuse, you’re not alone. That moment when their little eyes lock with yours, and you both know a battle of wills has begun… it’s one of the most frustrating parts of parenting.
And yet, what’s actually happening in those moments has less to do with disobedience and more to do with something deeper: a need for power.
What’s really going on
When our kids “dig in their heels,” it’s usually because they feel powerless. Maybe they’ve been following directions all day at school or sharing toys all afternoon, and their emotional tank is empty. Their resistance isn’t about you—it’s about them trying to reclaim a sense of control.
And if we’re honest, those moments can trigger our need for control too. We start feeling powerless, and before we know it, it’s not just about the milk—it’s about our authority, our patience, and whether we feel respected. It’s the perfect storm for a power struggle.
A shift in perspective
What if, instead of trying to “win,” we looked at those moments through a different lens? What if, instead of reacting, we recognized that our child’s defiance is really a signal: “I’m feeling powerless.”
That awareness changes everything. Suddenly, we can approach the situation with empathy instead of anger. We can give them what their little hearts are craving—a sense of agency—without losing our own peace.
The power of choice
One of the simplest and most effective ways to defuse a power struggle is to offer choices.
It sounds small, but it’s incredibly powerful.
“Do you want string cheese or an apple?”
“Would you like to put your cup away now or after your show?”
“Do you want to peel the cheese yourself, or should I do it halfway?”
Each choice fills their “power tank” just a little more. It reminds them that they have a voice, that their opinions matter, and that they’re not just being controlled. The more opportunities they have to choose, the fewer battles you’ll have to fight.
It goes both ways
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is check our own hearts first. Have we felt powerless today? Have we been running from task to task, meeting everyone else’s needs, without feeling like we have control over our own?
It’s okay to admit it. It’s okay to need a reset. Because the truth is, when we feel empty, our patience runs thin—and that’s when we’re most likely to dig our own heels in.
So, pause. Breathe. Fill your tank. Whether that means stepping outside for a minute of quiet, letting your spouse take over for a bit, or just praying, “Lord, fill me with Your peace,”—do it.
Grace over power
Parenting isn’t about proving who’s in charge. It’s about leading with love, teaching with patience, and modeling what it looks like to handle frustration with grace.
When we see our kids’ outbursts not as rebellion, but as a cry for connection, we can respond with wisdom instead of reaction. And in doing so, we’re teaching them something far more powerful than obedience—we’re teaching them relationship.
So the next time your child digs in their heels, take a breath. Offer a choice. See the moment as an opportunity to connect, not to control. Because when you lead with grace, peace always follows.
Kingdom Motherhood Challenge:
This week, look for small ways to help your child feel powerful. Offer choices, give them a say, and fill their little tanks. Watch how it changes the atmosphere in your home—and your heart.
